So, wow! I have been wandering around for 6 months now, and I thought it would be a good time to notice, ponder, breathe and see what there might be to say about anything.

(But let’s not get our hopes up.)

I wasn’t planning this year to be significant, life-changing or inspiring.  My mission was simply to give my kids some space, to give myself some freedom, and see what happened.  What has happened so far has been fun and interesting, and (who knows) maybe even significant, though I’m not expecting the significance to come clear to me any time soon.  And just like in the Book of the Dead (from whence the idea of “bardo” originally came) – I’ve encountered monsters along the way as well.  Some of them are as cheerful and friendly as Elmo (he’s a monster, right?) and some of them are impressively hideous if I do say so myself.

This limbo-esque in-between bardo place has put my ‘self’ up against a pretty blank backdrop.  My many fabulous adventures create an exciting and colorful frame, but within that frame is an empty (boring?) canvas and a little naked “me” starkly upon it.  Lots of times this feels tender, quiet and peaceful.  Sometimes it’s excruciating.  It’s very often bewildering in a way that I can’t characterize as feeling either good or bad.

Maybe it feels like being in a coma or having a near-death experience, although I have no idea what those things feel like.  In some ways my life now seems less real and in other ways it’s more real.  (Than what?  Than “real life?”  Than what I’ve come to think of as “real life?” I really don’t know.)  I feel confused almost all the time, but I’ve been discovering that being confused isn’t so bad after all, and I’m getting kind of used to it.

One thing I do know: in the midst of bewilderment and confusion, nakedness and monsters, I have been touched again and again by the friendliness of the people I bump into along the way.  Far-flung relatives. Podcast listeners. Friends, and friends of friends. Strangers. Everywhere I go and with everyone I meet, I have been humbled and amazed to be the recipient of so much acceptance, generosity, curiosity and love.  As far as I know, there isn’t much that can be done about the monsters of bardo, but they not nearly as troublesome when I’m floating in a sea of humanity that contains such a real huge lot of goodness.

The plan was simple: Turn my house, bills and bank account over to my kids; get rid of all I can’t carry; go.

As with most things, it’s been a bit simpler said than done.

But, having endured the emotional and logistical roller coaster involved, I’m here to say: I’ve done it.  I’ve gone.

So what happens next?

My couch surfing profile says my mission is “To see the world, humanity, and myself with curiosity, kindness and humor.”  Does that count as a plan?

I happened upon a paragraph by Pema Chodron about something she called “bardo,” which seemed to articulate something about where I am:

You’ve left the shore, but you haven’t arrived anywhere yet.  You don’t know where you’re going, and you’ve been out there at sea long enough that you only have a vague memory of where you came from. You’ve left home, you’ve become homeless, you long to go back, but there’s no way to go back.  That’s called the bardo, the in-between.

This in-between has been hovering around inside of me for a while, so the idea of taking a year off to wander seemed to fall right in place.

All three of my kids (ages 18, 20, 23) are in transitional times of life, and lately we’d been playing with various ideas for how to accommodate their various phases. When it hit me that if my son replaced me as “head of the household” everyone’s needs would be satisfied at once, it was just … voila!  All I had to do was relinquish all acquired comforts, and head solo into the wild unknown.  My specialty!

My kids get to practice their skills of self-reliance while in each others’ supportive and loving company.  I get to practice experiencing myself and the world with curiosity and kindness – wherever on the planet I may find myself to be.

So… I guess that’s as much of a plan as I got so far.

Bardo ho!

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

When I saw this piece by my friend Heather, I was hit with something that felt like “Oh my goodness, that’s what I look like on the inside.”

Then I thought, maybe it’s what everyone looks like on the inside.

A while ago I gave myself the task of writing more about this for my blog.  But every time I sit down to do it, I come up without words.

I guess that’s why Heather painted it in the first place.

Rather than following the Q&A format in this month’s parenting newsletter, I sent out a copy of the handout I created for a talk I gave to a group from the Holistic Moms Network.

It was such a sweet thing to be in a room full of moms, some dads, and lots of lots of people under three feet tall! It is so heartwarming to see communities forming around the commitment to nurturing and trusting the child’s true path.

To all you parents out there, working so hard to heal yourselves while parenting in a trusting and peaceful way, I say THANK YOU. And to repeat the three pieces of advice that Robin Grille had for conscious parents when I interviewed him on my podcast: “1. Keep going; 2. keep going; 3. keep going.”

Trusting and supporting children IS what makes the world a better place

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How To Have Happy Kids
(with simple tools you can find around the house!)

I define happiness as “being connected to and directed by your inner self.”  Babies are born already knowing how to do this; they don’t have to learn it.  We can’t teach this wholeness to them, any more than we can teach them how to breathe or how to feel hungry. However, there are many things we can do to hinder a child’s happiness, just as there are many ways we can hinder a child’s ability to breathe or to experience hunger in a healthy way.

Most people think, consciously or unconsciously, that a parent’s job is to mold, shape, train and teach their children to comply with a variety of external standards in order to become the way they “should” be.  The currently miserable state of the world leads some of us to understand thatmost “normal” assumptions about childhood and happiness are tragically misguided. Rather than allowing children to develop naturally, common parenting practices mostly hinder the child’s true path.

The answer for how to have happy children is “simple:” Allow them to be exactly who they are born to be.  But of course it’s not that simple, for two primary reasons: 1) because we were not raised this way ourselves; and 2) because we live in a world that is hostile toward this simple truth.

However, for those adults who are ready nurture kids’ innate ability to be healthy and happy, I recommend giving them the following gifts: freedom, respect, support, advocacy and trust.

Freedom – Children who are being coerced, manipulated, pushed or nagged do not have the opportunity to explore their own curiosity, intelligence, passions and interests.  The more room a child has for discovery, the more she will learn about herself, others and the world. With enough freedom, she will naturally stay connected to her inner self, and it will lead her everywhere she needs to go. This is essential for true happiness.

Respect – A child who is evaluated, shamed or disregarded does not have the opportunity to understand or value who he really is.  Rather than developing his autonomy, he spends his childhood satisfying and appeasing the authorities who treat him as if he is severely lacking.  The more a child feels respected, the more he experiences his own self-worth, and the more he can learn about the preciousness of all people.

Support – A child who is not supported slowly grows suspicious of her own feelings, thoughts, questions and desires.  When her own experiences are no longer allowed to motivate her choices, she will come to feel hollow, uninspired and helpless about her personal journey through life.  “Happiness” becomes to her a naïve and unachievable fantasy, or it may be sought in inappropriate and unsuccessful ways.

Advocacy – People under 18 have very few rights, and the world generally sees children as less than fully human.  The only way that a young person can experience life as a complete human being is if his parents act as a liaison to the outside world. This means protecting him from the pervasive and insidious oppression that is the accepted cultural norm, and advocating for his rights as a whole person.

Trust – Most fundamentally of all, people who do not trust themselves cannot be truly happy. After 20 years of breathing the air of suspicion, fear, judgment and doubt, children become adults who have completely lost touch with their inner self and their own truth.  It is much more difficult to regain this after it has been so relentlessly banished, which is why (as a happiness consultant) I advocate so passionately for trusting children.  Trust is most certainly a gift to your precious child, but it is also a gift to the world, and I believe the only hope our species has for a truly happy future.

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

Another Parenting With Trust newsletter went out yesterday – didja see it? No?
Then read on…..
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Hello friends,
Welcome again to my Parenting With Trust newsletter, and let me start by thanking you for your interest in learning more about trusting your children and trusting yourself. I’m so grateful that there are people in the world who are willing to face their own fears and inner turmoil head-on, in order to heal and make this world a healthier place for children – and for all people.

I want to let you know about a few family-friendly events that are coming up near Philadelphia in the next few months. Follow the links below to learn more about….

A Potluck Lunch at my house on April 19th
My Talk for the Holistic Moms Network in West Jersey on May 3rd
Film and Discussion about the Philly Free School at a local cafe on May 6th
Camping near Jim Thorpe the weekend of June 10-12th

Sorry to those of you who don’t live nearby – but hopefully there are fun things happening where you live too.

So – back to the here and now! Thanks for sending in your parenting questions – I’ll address some of them today and in future newsletters and podcasts, so keep them coming.

Happy April Fools Day, and may your day be filled with some J/K, LOL, ROFL, LMAO or hahaha…. with perhaps a touch of WTF, just to keep you on your toes.

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From a parent:

My 11 year old spent 5 days of spring break with me. She was sick for part of it. She let me hold her and dote on her and it was delightful until I had to go back to work. Then her Dad came. I got to see her today for a short time after work but she wasn’t excited to see me or very interested in me. It reminded me of being the ‘little kids’ mom”. I was SO good at that! I was with them very often, working only 8 days a month and living more meagerly. We had the BEST time! Part of my adjustment has been losing that relationship with them and that specialness to them. My 11 year old, who was a Momma’s girl and who I breast fed til she was 3, acts like she could go months without me and be fine. My role, my place in this world, and my ego don’t know what to do with this and it’s part of the ingredient to my recent breakdown. How do you think about this? Literally, what do you do with your time? I have to be around somewhat but not always. I’d like to go play with others but feel slightly guilty leaving my 14 year old alone. We’re both not extremely social, don’t belong to a church and don’t have a big support group. She likes being alone, she says. Trust your kids? Leave them alone? Really?

I answered:

>It reminded me of being the ‘little kids’ mom”. I was SO good at that!

It’s definitely hard to be good at some aspects of parenting and challenged by others – but totally normal. And it’s an opportunity for you to grow, to admit your shortcomings, to find places that you need to work and heal. That’s okay! That’s what it means to be human, and to be learning to trust yourself.

> My 11 year old, who was a Momma’s girl and who I breast fed til she was 3, acts like she could go months without me and be fine.

Hooray!

She’s growing up, finding her own place, asserting her independence. This is good. The best way for you to be invited to be a part of her life for the next 50 years is if you prove to her that you TOTALLY support her in whatever she needs, even if what she needs is to be away from you. THAT’s being a real ally, a great parent. Her job is not to make you feel needed, her job is to grow into her own true self.

>My role, my place in this world, and my ego don’t know what to do with this and it’s part of the ingredient to my recent breakdown. How do you think about this?

I agree, I do think this is part of your breakdown. I also think (like Pema Chodron does,) that breakdowns should be considered VERY good news! Yay, YOU are growing too! And ouch! Growing hurts.

Your job is to find ways to be happy within yourself. Then you will be less of a burden on your kids, and they will (probably, eventually) like you more, and trust you more.

> Literally, what do you do with your time?

I work at home. I am almost always in my room, unless I am doing chores, or out having fun. My kids know that they are invited to join me in whatever I’m doing (unless I’m with a client), and that if they ever want something from me they can ask. I do lots of things that make me happy – like reading, writing, meditating, laughing at funny things on YouTube. Occasionally I cook something to eat, and sometimes we eat it together. We tell each other stories and jokes when we’re in the mood to do that, sometimes play games and sometimes sit on the couch quietly together.

I have generally lived this way for the last 5-10 years, with some variations. Sometimes my kids wanted to be with me a lot, sometimes they barely talked to me for several months in a row. It is their process, their life, and not mine to judge or evaluate. I know that it took a long time, after I stopped trying to control them, before they trusted that I was really there for them, that I wasn’t going to impose my own agenda on to their lives. It took a while to earn their trust and respect. It wasn’t always easy, which is why it’s good that I had lots of other things to enjoy about my own life in the meantime.

> Leave them alone? Really?

Really really.

SO many of the “helpful” things we do “for our children” are actually things that we do to make ourselves feel better. It’s not right for us to use our children to make us feel better. It is good for us to protect and support them, but only when they really need it, which is far less often than we might at first think, especially with our older kids. It’s good to be nearby, paying attention, listening carefully to what they say, tuning in to what they deeply need. And at the same time, it’s important to pay very careful attention to what YOU need, and to do all that you can to have your needs met by other adults and by yourself – NOT by your children. One of the most unhealthy things that a parent can do is use his/her child to meet his/her own needs. That is inappropriate parenting at best, and child abuse at worst.

Both of my girls have always loved doing their own thing, which I think is one of the most important things a human being can learn – to enjoy being with themselves. All of my kids have gone through extended periods during which they did a lot of what might have looked like “nothing.” When they emerged from that phase they were deeply connected with themselves, had pondered the universe as thoroughly as I ever have (and that’s saying a lot, since I make it my business (literally) to ponder the universe…) and were ready to try something new with enthusiasm. I think it’s criminal how most parents and schools steal this holy self-discovery journey away from children. No wonder we have a planet full of insanity perpetuating insanity.

In just a few words: take care of yourself, and allow your children to take care of themselves. The bad news is that this new way of life can be very confronting. The good news is, in the long run it’s a lot more fun.

xoAmy

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From a parent:

I have been dealing with my adult son (the Green Beret), me feeling very much like he doesn’t like me (who I am ), which has been a recurring theme but never felt so much like maybe there is nothing he likes about me…or maybe doesn’t even love me. A lot of it shows up in the way he is conservative Republican…very black and white….right and wrong…..very mental…very non emotionally connected…. does not think much of my spiritual non/religious leanings etc. I feel like most of the time he has any communication it is to to make a point about how I am wrong about something and he is right. He rarely gets in touch with me at all. Doesn’t sign is emails”love” even.
I feel very sad about this. It hurts…..I keep suggesting that we don’t get into these things with each other but it is feeling lately like whatever I say it is wrong…maybe we just don’t have anything to share with each other??? But I have love to share and don’t feel like I do it right with him….I just want to love him and feel like he loves me even if he doesn’t like me.
Recently, I received one of these slap down fb messages. I thought about it for a few days and then decided to as kindly as possible tell him how I am feeling. That was about a week ago and I have not heard from him. I must say a big part of me is relieved to hear nothing because I am sure he will have things to say in response that won’t feel good if he does.
Any words of wisdom for me???

My response:

The first thing I want to say is OUCH. Owie, owie owie. I can really, really imagine how awful this whole thing must feel for you. I really get that and am really sorry.

And, what I think is your only job in relation to your adult children is to heal and to be happy inside yourself. You’re probably right that he probably doesn’t love you, or even like you. (I’m not sure I believe that it’s possible to love someone you don’t like, but that’s a conversation for another time.) I can really imagine how devastating that must be for you.

But now that you are both adults, you don’t have to be friends, or ever talk to each other again. That’s the stark truth of the matter. The societal “should” that “nuclear families should love each other and get along” just doesn’t make sense for one thing, and the belief adds a lot of unhealthy (and unnecessary) obligation, shame, enmeshment, guilt and resentment to the picture, for another.

Your son probably has plenty of reasons to dislike you, some reasons that you probably know and some that you don’t, some reasons that are probably valid and some that aren’t. But his reasons are his OWN. It is not your business to find out how he feels, to get him to communicate with you, to heal his wounds, to patch things up between you. Your job now (as I see it) is to leave him alone and let him find his own way. If or when he wants something from you, I’m sure he’ll let you know.

My homework for you (should you choose to accept it) would be that you communicate to him (probably in a letter) something along the lines of the following:

“Dear Child of mine, I release you to the universe. I am sorry for the countless ways I have let you down, and wish I could have done a thousand things better than I’ve done. It seems like you don’t really like me all that much and I just want you to know that I’m finally getting that, and going to leave you alone from now on. I am not saying this to make you feel guilty or so you’ll do anything different. I just finally realized I’ve been putting an enormous strain on myself (and probably on you) by always trying to connect with you in ways that are obviously unwanted and unwelcome. I’ve also finally realized that we don’t have to agree about things, we don’t have to get along, and we don’t even have to be friends. So I’m going to go about my own happy life, and I hope you will go about having your own happy life too. If you ever want anything from me, I hope you’ll feel free to ask. Love, Mom.”

It does not mean you are a bad person if your child wants or needs to be away from you for a long time – or forever. People are just different – we have different ways of thinking, being, feeling – and we don’t have to be friends with people who see things differently from the way we do. Parenting with trust means trusting – REALLY trusting – that your child is doing exactly the right thing for himself, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, whether it suits your preferences or not, whether it feels good to you – or not.

If you have painful feelings about this (and I would be surprised if you didn’t) then you can find a therapist, a friend, a happiness consultant to talk with and cry with and whatever else you need to do in order to heal and move on. It is time for you to explore your own inner world and let your children explore theirs.

And, I’m sorry for how much it hurts.

xoAmy

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If you’re interested in hearing more of my thoughts on children who need distance from their parents, you might like to listen to the episode of my podcast called When Kids Divorce Their Parents.

Finally, I want to thank the above writers – and all of you who are willing to be so vulnerable and authentic about your journey. So often our own fear, shame and embarrassment prohibit us from saying the truth, and thereby keep us from healing and connecting honestly with ourselves and others. Yet when we share our struggles – and triumphs – with courage and honesty, it can help us learn and grow, and can help those around us learn and grow too.

And this, I think, is what makes a better world for everyone.

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

I sent this out today:

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Hello friends,

I am writing to those of you who asked to be reminded about my monthly parenting call (or who signed up for “everything”) to let you know that my conference call will NOT be happening this month.  The conference line we were using has been having a lot of problems, and the scheduled time has been difficult for my schedule as well as for many of yours.

For the next few months I am going to, instead, send out a monthly “parenting with trust” newsletter, and – Ta Da! – here is the first one. Welcome!

If you have a parenting question that you would’ve liked to ask on the conference call, please feel free to send it to me (amy@amychilds.com) and I will write my answer in a future newsletter.  A friend who just started homeschooling her daughter (13?ish) wrote to me a few weeks ago and we started a little Q&A dialog which I thought would be a perfect way to kick off this new newsletter, so if you’re interested – keep reading!  We’ll try this for a few months and see how it works out for all of us.  Feedback welcome!

I’ll also put in a little plug here for my parenting podcast, another place you can go to get more ideas and support for your journey in learning to trust children as you learn to trust yourself.  If you’ve never listened to my podcast, you might want to start with Attachment Parenting Is Hard, or I Heart Teens, or Tips and Tricks for Parents of Young Children.  If you don’t have kids, you might prefer Things to Think About Before You Have Kids (but be warned: if you are already a parent, you might hate this one, so enter at your own risk).

Wishing you and your children a peaceful, nurturing and cheery March,

xoAmy

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A parent wrote:

<<I want to make it onto a call, mostly to say [my daughter] has very little academic curiosity and really loves homeschooling because she doesn’t have to learn anything she doesn’t want to learn… She is a smart kid, a bit dyslexic, has not found an area of academic interest at all, although she loves when the french teacher comes, loves when the english teacher comes, the rest…she ignores.>>

I replied:

I think it’s REALLY REALLY okay if she ignores all academic things for years or forever. I swear, she will learn what she wants to learn when she wants to learn it. She will! And honestly, we adults hardly EVER use the “academic” things we learned in school, and most of us don’t even REMEMBER that shit. Amiright?

All three of my kids “ignored academic things” for over 5 years.  When they each eventually decided they wanted to go to school, they caught up with their peers in about 2 weeks, and surpassed their peers in about 2 months.  I SWEAR it will be okay.  It’s SO SO SO much more important to have fun, bond, laugh, create awesome memories of being together.  I promise you that will have SOO much more impact on her ability to have a happy life and live happily ever after than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

I know it’s scary, but just do it, trust it.  If in 5 years you’re really worried about it, I’ll fly out there and help her get back on track.  I’ll even pay for my own ticket. That’s how confident I am that she will be okay, no, BETTER, way way better than okay.

She wrote back:

<<Okay I am almost weeping…thank you thank you thank you.

She is like, “why do I have to learn about science?” and I am like, “I don’t know, every few years it all gets disproven anyway.”>>

Totally!

And the other thing is “science” is EVERYTHING! It’s the world.  It’s logic.  It’s creation. It’s sunrises and flowers and rocket ships and heart rates and earthquakes and the Grand Canyon and being tired and being wakeful and diamonds and feeling pain and the moon and how fast you can run and menstruation and fire and the ozone layer and drugs and tadpoles and hair dye.  By calling it “science,” and by some random stranger deciding what science “counts,” besides disrespecting children, we are totally disrespecting SCIENCE, and our amazing wondrous world and universe.  And most people end up thinking they “hate science” or “are bad at science” – which in the first place makes NO sense, and secondly it results in a planet full of people who are disconnected from the truth of the planet, of all of reality.  Since we have enough people like that already (7 billion by the end of 2011!), the human race is EXTREMELY lucky if we can help 4 or 5 people grow up not having any preconceived notions about “science” but who just like observing and wondering about the way things are.  I honestly feel like it’s an urgent and vital gift to the future of our species, for your daughter to “ignore science” (as curriculum people would see it) for as long as possible.

<<And she is like, “why do I have to learn about history?” and I am like, “I don’t know, it’s all written by men who like wars.”>>

WORD, SISTER.

It’s like telling kids (or anyone!) all about your childhood wounds, or what you ate for breakfast, or all about your grandmother’s life philosophy when they didn’t ask. It turns something that could be precious or interesting or helpful or really meaningful into something so boring, disrespectful and almost abusive.  History is about sharing the past, from someone’s point of view – that’s cool and important and sometimes really useful, but only when someone wants to know about it.

<<She loves french, english lit, cooking at another girl’s house, working out at the gym with the adults, and her acting class…that is what she loves.>>

Yay! That’s a LOT of really cool, really love-worthy things!

<<And telling people that she homeschools–we thought it would be her biggest issue, but now she loves to proclaim it.>>

Double yay!

<<And she loves not being in school with all the drama and hormones.>>

Triple yay!!!

Nikiah hates the view she has had into the human condition, by going to school. Surrounded by sweet innocent people (students and teaches) who are so wounded, confused, mean, disrespectful of themselves and others…. She really wishes she never had to find out about that.  She is counting the days until this year is over and she will be unschooling again.

<<Oh did I mention math?  She does math on a weekly basis too but it doesn’t seem to sink in….>>

How about don’t ever talk about “math” again, until she wants to go to college?  She could learn math for the SATs if she wants to take them (the main reason she might want to do that is that it might help her get more financial aid) – I think it would take about 1-8 months to learn all the math she needs for the SATs. Or you could let her study with an SAT tutor for 3 years if she wanted to. But, most people (who were already tortured by math for 4 years of high school) who enter college need remedial math anyway, so all colleges offer “math 101” which covers all of high school math in one or semesters. TA DA.

<<She is the happiest kid I know.>>

Quadruple yay…. I mean, honestly, people would pay a million dollars to have this.  There is no way to get it, except by being allowed to have a TON of time to do WHATEVER you want to do, and being supported in connecting to and being led by her true self.  She’s so so lucky that you’re giving her that. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

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…. And the same goes for all of you, who are doing everything that you can to support and nurture the growth of your children’s true selves.  I know it’s one of the most difficult and confronting jobs that there is, but it’s by far the most important one.  Thanks for doing it.

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

Here’s a copy of the valentine I sent this year.

For over 20 years, I’ve written an annual newsletter called “the children’s page,” and sent it to friends and family as part of our christmas card. When I grew tired of christmas, I decided that valentines day was something I more felt like celebrating. Y’know, love, sparkles, hearts, candy, wearing red and dying your mashed potatoes pink. Like ya do.

If you want to get a valentine next year, you can indicate such when you sign up to be on my mailing list.

Happy love day to you all!

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

wine fit for a happiness consultant

My friend Tom took me out for dinner and brought happy wine for the happiness consultant.  Nice.

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant

In today’s podcast “Talking to Kids About Sex,” I spoke about a letter I wrote to my son in the summer after his 8th grade year.  I post it here for you to read, ponder, copy or steal to your heart’s content.

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My mind got to wandering about all kinds of things that I haven’t talked with you about, either ever, or in a long time. All those embarrassing topics, you know. And I thought, hey, I’ll start a tradition of writing along embarrassing letter to my kids when they graduate from 8th grade. Even better, this time I’ll write it to you while I’m away, so by the time I get home you can pretend I never wrote it, if you want to. The first thing that got me thinking about this was some friends here and I were talking about circumcision, and I  thought, you know, I don’t think I’ve talked about that with Jonathan since he was a little tiny kid! So here goes. You have probably noticed that your penis looks different than a lot of your friends’. I don’t know, but I imagine that most boys your age have circumcised penises. In the ‘old days’ (like when your dad was born) pretty much all American boys were circumcised. By the time you were born, some people were starting to realize that this was really dumb, but definitely not everyone. I don’t know the statistics, but I do know that male circumcision is still the ‘norm’ in the US. (In every other country in the world boys are not circumcised, except places like Israel where it is a religious thing.) Anyway, I thought I’d tell you why we decided not to have you circumcised. Basically, it is a totally stupid and awful thing to do to a tiny little newborn baby, to cut the tip of his penis off!! Most male babies are circumcised within the first few days of their lives, when they are too little for anesthesia, so they feel everything. It’s terrible!!! It makes me INSANELY angry that so many people are tricked into doing this to their little babies. The only reason it is done is so that they will look like all the other boys, and like their dads. Nobody just stops it and says WAIT! This is insane! Nobody do this anymore!!! Sometimes, some people claim that it is more sanitary, which is a complete lie, but it makes parents go along with it. The only real reason to do it is cosmetic. I figured, if you grew up and wanted to be circumcised, you could decide that for yourself. So if you do ever feel like you want to look “normal,” that is totally fine with me and is your choice. Now you are big enough for anesthesia so it wouldn’t hurt that much. But personally, I think a cut-up penis is actually not very normal. But that is totally your own decision. You could decide to get circumcised today, or you could decide in50 years, or never. It is your body.

So while I’m on all the embarrassing topics, let’s see, what else? You have a girlfriend! Which personally I think is pretty darn cute. Your life, your relationships, all of that, is totally your own business. You are the boss of your life, and you don’t have to tell me anything about it. And it is also true that you can tell me anything you ever want to. I feel totally honored that you told me when you liked [], and when she was your girlfriend. I would never have told my mom anything like that. In fact, I avidly avoided EVER talking about that with anyone, much less my stupid family!  So I get that it is private, and that you might not want to talk about it with me. And I am thrilled and privileged whenever you give me any kind of a peek into your life. I don’t know what “girlfriend/boyfriend” means to you these days. Often that means that you hold hands or kiss. In Bryn Athyn there is a lot of conflicting information out there about all of this kind of stuff. Many Bryn Athyn  grown-ups would say it is bad to kiss your girlfriend/boyfriend. I don’t know what you are taught at school, but that was what I heard growing up. Also I think Dad would probably say he thinks you shouldn’t kiss your girlfriend, I’m not sure. But personally, I think it is fine, as long as both of you really feel comfortable about it, and really want to. My rule of thumb is, if you can’t TALK about it first, then you are probably not ready to DO it – whatever ‘it’ is, holding hands, kissing, everything up to having sex with someone.  And if two people talk about it, and they agree that they BOTH want to hold hands (or whatever)with each other, then that is a wonderful and FUN thing!! That is one of the best things about being in a special relationship with someone, getting to enjoy touching each other, and being touched.

Which leads us to the most “embarrassing” topic of all, sex. There are lots of things to say about sex! I could write a whole book. I’m pretty sure you know all about the birds and the bees. If you ever have questions, you can ask me about it, or dad, and also there are some books on our shelf that cover it all. (“Our Bodies Ourselves” is the best one.) The main things I want to say for now are:

1. You NEVER have to do anything that you don’t want to do, not EVER.

2. NEVER force anyone to do something s/he doesn’t want to do, not EVER.

3. The only way to be clear about the above two things is by TALKing about it. Talk about it with each other at the very least. It is also a good idea to talk about it with people that you really trust – close friends ,parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc. I know it is really hard to trust other people, especially adults, to talk about stuff like that. I would love for you to work on finding at least one adult who you feel comfortable talking (or writing) about it with.

4. It is ok to make mistakes. That’s how you learn. And this is also where talking about it is very important too.

5. The only mistakes that cannot ever be fully recovered from is having a baby, and getting a fatal disease. Unplanned pregnancies and STDs are a REALLY ENORMOUS EXTREMELY HUGE mistake and they can be easily prevented. So if/when you ever want to talk more about that, I hope you’ll let me or someone know so you can get the help you need to prevent those mistakes.

I know they talk about sexual abuse in school a little bit, but I want to say a few things that they might not have mentioned.  The main thing is, people who have been sexually abused (or abused in any way, really) often have a part of them that is broken, and they don’t function in a totally healthy way.  It’s like, if someone had their legs broken in half when they were little.  If this person went straight to the doctor and got fixed up and did physical therapy and worked through it all and healed their legs, they might end up with perfectly functioning legs.  But probably their legs would always be at least a tiny bit weaker than someone’s which have never been broken in two.  And if you didn’t know that about their legs, you might wonder why it hurts them to do some kind of jumping or whatever.  You can’t see it, and unless they tell you about it, you might not ever know.  Of course, it would be a hundred times worse if, when they had their legs broken, they didn’t tell anyone, and even worse if they thought it was their own fault.  Then their legs would heal in really weird painful harmful ways, and their shame and embarrassment would grow, and they would have a really hard time having legs that function normally, and they would feel really bad about it.  Unfortunately this is usually what happens when people are sexually abused.  It is bad enough that they are hurt in the first place, but then the years of not telling anyone and not getting help (which is what usually happens next) makes things much worse.  Someday you might find yourself dating someone who was sexually abused, and you won’t know it.  It is a wound that can be well-hidden, and unless the person tells you, you might  never know.  And this person might not behave in a totally healthy way.  So, some things to keep in mind are:

1. if you or anyone you know is ever abused, the most important thing is to get help as soon as possible. Like someone with their legs broken in two, as bad as is, there are things that people can do to help the problem, and the sooner the better.  Hopefully someday people will realize that being sexually abused is no more shameful than having your legs broken, and it will become commonplace to rush these innocent victims off to some kind of an ‘emergency room’ where they can begin the healing process immediately.

2. You can never assume that anyone you know was not abused.  It could have happened to your friends, or your girlfriends, or anyone.

3. Anyone that has been abused will probably not behave in a completely healthy way, especially in things to do with touching and sex.  They might not know what they really want and don’t want, they may be afraid of things you don’t realize, any bundle of things.  If someone behaves in an unhealthy way, this could well be why.

4. It is really important, in a special or intimate relationship, to know your girlfriend/partner.  Things that are deep down will affect your relationship, and these things only come to the surface with gentle attention and honesty and trust.

There are lots and lots of other things to say about sex, but I think that will do for now. I don’t think you are planning on having sex any time soon, but if you are ever considering it, whether it is today, or in 10years, or when you are married, PLEASE talk to someone about it! It is a BIG decision, and it is never a good idea to make a big decision without consulting other people who you trust. And, (like all big decisions you will make in your life), in the end it is totally up to YOU (and, in the case of sex, your partner.)

Another embarrassing topic is masturbation. I hope they talk about this in ‘sex education’ too, as well as “the birds and the bees”, but if they don’t, feel free to look it up in the ‘Our Bodies Ourselves’ book. Masturbating is when someone gives himself (or herself) an orgasm, a sexual climax. Hopefully if they did talk about it at school, they said it was completely fine and normal to masturbate. If they said anything else, forget whatever they said. Some people think it is evil or harmful to masturbate, and I imagine that many BA grown-ups would say this, sadly enough. It is very healthy and normal, and actually, almost everyone does it. It is more normal for guys to figure-out masturbating than it is for girls, which is kind of too bad for girls, because I think it really is an important part of growing up. So, if you masturbate, great- and if you don’t masturbate, I hope you will learn to enjoy doing that someday.

Still more embarrassing topics! Next one, pornography. (= images of naked people, and people having sex, in case you don’t know.) It seems like these days, kids are more and more exposed to porn because of the internet. I don’t know if you have gotten those junk emails/links to porn, but if you haven’t yet, I’m sure you will. Also it is pretty typical for kids your age to find a magazine and pass it around, etc. Anyway, I don’t know if you have been exposed to this or not, but if you haven’t yet, you will soon enough. I am going to guess that nearly all BA grown-ups would say that porn is evil, and like I do about most things, I strongly disagree with them. I think the main problem with porn is that people feel so terrible and guilty and ashamed about it, and that some people become addicted to it. I first saw a ‘girly’ magazine (the most famous one is called “Playboy” and there are thousands of others) when I was about your age and I thought it was really disgusting, I hated it. At some point, though, you might think it is interesting, or exciting, or informative, or boring. Whatever you think and however you feel, all of it is okay. To me, porn is like pictures or movies of the Grand Canyon, it might be cool but it is nothing like going there and experiencing it in person.  When people think pictures of the Grand Canyon are better than being there in person, that’s too bad.  But that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with pictures of the Grand Canyon, they can be inspiring or interesting or educational or enjoyable too. But don’t confuse it with the real thing.

Another one – homosexuality. Another thing you will hear from BA adults is that being gay is evil. And, you guessed it, I strongly disagree. I think it is wrong to hurt other people, and other than that, there is no such thing as “evil.” (I even don’t think hurting other people is “evil”, but you get my point.) Anyway, I have lots of gay friends and it makes me really sad that most religious people think these wonderful people are bad. (Did you know that Michele and Rebecca are gay? In fact they are engaged!) It is hard to be gay in our culture because it is so unaccepted, but about 10% of people are simply attracted to people of the same sex as themselves. It is totally normal. I also get mad when people use “gay” as an insult, as if being ‘gay’ is bad. Also, I think lots of people aren’t really just ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ (opposite of gay), I think lots of people could go either way, depending on who they are attracted to at the time. Being in love is just as individual and unique as people are. This seems so obvious to me, but for some reason it is not obvious to most religious people. Anyway, there is lots to say about this, but the main thing is, I hope you will always be respectful of all people. Also, who knows, your sisters, or best friends, or even you – anyone could realize they are gay at any time. And so I hope you will keep that in mind, and be someone who people feel safe with and accepted by, no matter who they are or who they love.

Well, I think that is enough embarrassing topics for now. You survived! It is so much fun for me to see you hitting puberty, growing into a young man, and beginning to think about and try out more ‘adult’ topics and experiences. This is just what you are supposed to do! And you are really doing a fabulous job growing up and I am COMPLETELY and totally PROUD OF YOU!

By the way, you may have figured out that Dad and I disagree about most of these issues, so you will have to talk to him to get his opinions. Since you are going to a New Church high school, I am sure you will be exposed to his way of thinking plenty. But you probably won’t meet many people like me while you are in BA, so I thought a thorough letter from your crazy mother was in order. If you want to write back to me, that’s great, but you don’t have to. And of course, if you ever want to write or ask me about ANYTHING, you know that I love it! Also, if your friends ever want to talk to me about anything, that’s cool too. Sometimes people want to hear a different point of view. Although my point of view is totally normal in the “outside” world, it is extremely rare in Bryn Athyn. BA certainly has its good points, but in my opinion there are a lot of goofy things floating around as well. I hope you will be able to navigate through it all, and come up with your own beliefs and opinions, and that you will always feel welcome and free to be exactly who you really are.

Anyway, Happy Graduation!

And I love you!

xox, Me (your mother)

Amy Childs | Happiness Consultant